So to answer the question, “What are you afraid of,” I have three answers ready to go. If we’re talking about critters, alligators/crocodiles are my easy winner. They’re terrifying. If we’re talking about base fears, it’s heights. It always has been and always will be. However, if we’re talking about real fears, the fears that keep us up at night and run through our minds when we’re driving down the road or sitting at the office, my answer is “disappointment.” It’s not a fear of being disappointed but of disappointing others. When I was a kid, I didn’t care about grades, I cared about my mom’s disappointment over my grades. On the ballfield, I was less concerned with myself and more about letting my team and my dad/coach down. Even today, I fear letting my wife down with not getting things done, letting my kids down with not being able to play as much as they’d like or pay for all the things they want to do or have, and I worry about disappointing you, my Church family, by not being what you want or need in every situation.
This fear shows itself in everything from being indecisive, to losing sleep, and even angry outbursts. My fear of disappointing others leads to me playing the “what if” game far too often. What if I’m not good enough? What if this is the wrong decision? What if I miss something better because I wasn’t patient enough? What if I fail…
While I may never “overcome” this fear, I am very thankful that I am aware of it and not afraid to admit I have it. By acknowledging my fear of disappointing others, I can talk with a few people I trust and have them hold me accountable when I start to slip. This accountability/encouragement has helped me be more open about my fears. The more open I’ve been, the better I’ve become at spotting it in the early stages and not letting it grow to the point where it cripples me. But lastly, and most importantly, owning up to my fear has allowed me to pray about it differently.
Instead of waiting until my fear of disappointment has crippled me or pushed me to anger and then praying for God to rescue me from the pit I dug, I find myself praying for wisdom, encouragement, and strength as I go throughout my day and make the decisions I have to make. Do I still feel my fear creeping in quite often? Yes, absolutely, but I also see the evidence of scripture, prayer, and community with my Christian brothers and sisters helping me work through it instead of succumbing to it.
I share all of this with you, not because I think my fear is fascinating (I think it’s quite ridiculous, actually), but because I want to start our first month of Parent Partner off with transparency. I am not a parenting expert. I don’t have all the answers and never want to come across as if I do. However, I do have extensive knowledge, training, and experience working with teenagers, and I want to partner with each of you as we walk through this journey with your teens.
As we look this month at “Courage” in 1 Samuel, I want to encourage you to have the courage to be transparent with your teen about your own fear(s). Now let me be clear, kids are kids. They aren’t adults. They aren’t mom or dad. They are kids, and they do not need to know everything. I’m not saying to be an open book and share everything with your kids. (In fact, I believe it is our responsibility as parents to shield our kids from the problems, concerns, and stresses of adult life as long as possible so they can be children instead of 13-year-olds carrying adult burdens.) What I am saying is that this current generation respects transparency, and they often become extremely frustrated by the absence of it. With the digital age that we are in, they are exposed to many honest and open opinions and feelings (maybe a bit too much), so we need to let down our guard a bit and let them see us as human.
This generation attaches to Instagram and youtube personalities because those celebrities and influencers share their own struggles, fears, situations, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc., in a very open way. Therefore, these kids feel an attachment to the ones they can relate to. So if we’re going to talk to them about Courage over Fear, then they have to be allowed to see (at least partially) how that plays out in our own life. Pediatrician and Psychoanalyst Dr. Claudia Gold said, “Explain to your child, ‘This (fear) is not good for me, but I’ve found some ways (to deal with) it.’ Then it’s not such a mystery or scary.” (Carlson, Chicago Tribune, April 2015). While not everything they do reflects it, these kids are smart and observant. They pick up on our fears and anxieties, regardless of how well we try to hide them. So that leaves us with two options. We can keep our guard up, refusing to admit our fears, while the kids and teens we’re responsible for find someone else that they feel they can relate to, OR we can be courageous enough to be a little vulnerable with them. If you’ll let your kid(s) see your fear (relationships, money, health, future, failure, etc), then they’ll not only respect you for it but also feel more comfortable being open with you about their own fears and insecurities.
So with this month on Courage, as we kick off our Parent Partner Journey, can I challenge you to find the time or an opportunity to share a real fear/anxiety or two with your teen? Not in a way that is you offloading the burden onto them, but so they see that Mom/Dad is human and has fears just like they do. They may answer everything with “I’m fine,” but many of them are an absolute mess inside. Between hormones, expectations, and the stages/layers of brain development…. well, you know what I’m talking about. So let them see that mom/dad doesn’t have it all together either, and let your vulnerability open the door for them to let their own guard down a bit. Let them see your fear and then talk through how you work through it. Lastly, and please don’t miss this, be sure to lead by example. Taking our fears and burdens to the Lord is such an easy and rewarding thing to do. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Let’s lead these teens to be courageous enough to admit their fears and take them straight to the Lord who has amazing plans for their lives. What better way to begin our Parent Partner journey than by us parents leading our families to take our fears to the Lord and trade them for the “yoke” He has for us and learning from Him as we walk in step with Him together.